BREAKING NEWS:
Nintendo Delays Switch 2 Preorders Over Tariffs: “Mario Can’t Afford to Jump This High” • Scientists Bring Back Dire Wolves: “Because What the Apocalypse Really Needed Was More Teeth” • National Siblings Day Declared Federal Emergency After Millions Try to Reconnect with People They’ve Blocked Since 2012 • Trump Claims He’s the “True Pope” After Finding Hidden Chapel in Mar-a-Lago Sauna • Gut Health Declared National Priority: New Pledge of Allegiance Adds “With Liberty and Probiotics for All”
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