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Scientists Bring Back Dire Wolves: “Because What the Apocalypse Really Needed Was More Teeth” • Nikola Tesla Returns, Admits Arson: “I Burned the Self-Driving Cars” • BREAKING: New Pope Installs Firewall, Blocks MAGA at Border of Heaven • Apology Triggers 97% Fragility Rate Among White Conservatives, GOP Study Finds • U.S. Health Insurance Now Covers Half Your Heart
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