BREAKING NEWS:
New Gen-Z Wellness Trend Involves Screaming Into Smart Mirrors That Generate Personalized Mantras Based on Your Shadow Self, Birth Trauma, and Which Corporate Logos Trigger the Most Emotional Disassociation • SAVE Act Sparks Panic • U.S. Health Insurance Now Covers Half Your Heart • BREAKING: Vatican accidentally baptizes entire CERN particle accelerator. Water now considered conscious. • Pope Orders Silence
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